Rainy day thoughts.....

Today I stood in the door way looking out into the rain soaked vehicle in my driveway. In the vehicle blurry silhouettes bounced while their muffled noises of glee (or antagonism) radiated in the enclosed space.

I stood with 13 bags (a minor exaggeration), coffee, protein shake, dog leash and keys deciding what to do. Should I enter what looks to be the Thunder Dome or drop my bags, close the door and let them "hang out" whilst I warmed up another cup of coffee and read? I quickly reminded myself that I can't do that. Work is calling. School is in session.

I continued to stand and watch. I watched in horror and happiness. Horror that I would have to endure the noise. Happiness that my kids are healthy and happy. Happiness that I have an amazing job, a door way to stand in. Horror that I was going to have to go out in the rain and mess my less than perfect hair. Thankfully I didn't have to wash it today and the rain will help to blend the dry shampoo that created a haze of grey, aging me just a few more years....because that's just what I needed.

It's the little things....

I locked myself in the bathroom

I locked myself in the bathroom.
Like an old man, I grabbed a book, opened the door, turned on the fan and took a seat. But I never "went". Well that's not true. I peed once.

I heard footsteps trample past and the muffled voices of children snipping at each other. I heard my husband yelling at the TV as though the football coach could hear his critiques.

At our house a closed door with the fan on is like having skull and crossbones on the door. You would enter at your own risk and we all know it's not a risk we want to take.
So it's a perfect cover for 15 minutes of semi-silence (semi because clearly muffled voices isn't true silence).

I'd hit my limit of tolerance and I need a quick Apple iCharge turbo save me. I waltzed in, put the toilet seat down, sat and read. It was heaven. Obviously not real heaven where they have wine and cheese and background smells of fresh spring air. But that's not realistic. So the bathroom has become my refuge.

Balance

blogging is something I think about daily. I actually feel like I write something in my head every day. I come up with amazing ideas and topics during the strangest times. Buckling the strap on my heels, returning the shopping cart to the rack, listening to the older women at the gym chatter, buying lunch, driving in the car in complete silence. Topics stroll through my mind about love, forgiveness, acceptance, truth, kids, frustration, work-life non-balance, happiness, stress, hate, freedom, husbands, friends....I could go on and on. They are all topics I have tackled. But in reality my last real entry was from September 2011. Sigh.

My past few months have been inundated with lots of things. The struggle to find the work life balance has been futile. About three weeks ago I came to the conclusion that there is no balance. It's no possible. There isn't a perfect amount of this and a little of that and then happiness. I've decided it's less about balance and more about acceptance. Acceptance that there isn't this perfect algorithm that I just haven't found.  It was a disappointing moment but it was also freeing. To accept that I was searching for something that wasn't going to happen lifted a weight. One thing on my perpetual to do list was permanently marked off.

So much about life is about acceptance. Acceptance of the imbalance. Acceptance that the blog ideas will have to wait.  That just because I don't write them doesn't mean that the ideas disappear. Acceptance that it won't always be this hard. Sometimes the hard gets less hard and sometimes the hard changes.  There is even acceptance of acceptance. Acceptance that sometimes it just wont work out. Acceptance that every day is a new day and we are all doing our best.

1. Tomorrow we begin again. xo